Guestbook

I want to thank everyone who has been posting here. It has helped me a lot w/ processing my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I should be posting on here more myself, but I'm finding it difficult for some reason. Maybe I'm still holding on to some fantasy that this is all just a dream that I'll wake up from. I was walking to work this morning and I walked past a guy who looked kind of like Jordan and it triggered a thought that maybe he's not really gone and I'm just being 'punk'd' or something. I guess my mind is just trying to have some sympathy for my heart by working out a solution that will ease the pain. Problem solving is something that I am good at, but this doesn't work that way I guess.I have been in recovery for 8.5 years now and casually studying Buddhism for about 5. I've also had a lot of people who were close to me die throughout my life so I feel like I should know what to do with these feelings and depression that keep running over me at their own will. I asked a close friend and Buddhist teacher of mine what he did when his close friend died from the same thing 5 years ago and he told me that it is supposed to feel this way - it's called grieving and it's perfectly natural. Another thing that he said which I found to be very helpful was that I need to be able to forgive Jordan for leaving me. On some level we all want freedom from the suffering that comes with being human and by sharing this it bonds us together. Sort of like the bond that soldiers at war develop I guess. Jordan and I have been through some really great times together and some really devastating times too. I definately have a real bond to him and I think I need to forgive him for leaving me here in this human realm. So Jordan: I forgive you, I love you, and I miss you as a human being. I know that you are still here - just in a different form, so don't be shy w/ letting me know.